I’m in the very throes of a disturbing college flashback slash existential crisis. (Yawn) But not necessarily the college experience I had. More like the one that I probably should have had if I had been prone to those pesky details nobody mentioned. Details like going to class, studying, and actually being able to find my way to the library.
I’m sitting here on the couch next to my husband who is studying the book of MAT practice exams I so kindly tracked down for him at, ironically enough, the library. Patrick is about to start classes for his MBA and while he’s sliding easily back into that whole educational realm, I’m watching a movie that aligns a little more with how I fuzzily remember college… Dead Man on Campus. No, I never tried to drive a roommate to suicide but I was more than a little familiar with the desperation and panic that set in around midterms and finals. Or, as I called it, “Why isn’t anyone having any good parties this week and why is that old guy working at the liquor store?”
Over the past couple of years, I’ve thought about how I might actually enjoy going back to school. Because I kind of fucked it all up the first time. So I wonder if I cheated myself out of something. Don’t get me wrong, somehow I managed to turn out… relatively alright in spite of it. But I’m curious. And I might be a little jealous of what Patrick is getting ready to do. I love my life, being a wife and keeping Patrick on his toes what with the moodiness and the flying plates; my proud, self-given title of the Accidental Domestic Goddess. I enjoy puttering around the house and today? At about 2:00? I was curled up on the couch watching a Sex and the City rerun like I didn’t have a care in the world. And then I made soup.
But I’ve taken an IQ test. I’m not a dummy. All evidence to the contrary, I’m actually a card carrying genius. So is it alright that I’m quite happy making soup on Mondays? Am I doing myself a disservice by wanting to be a stay at home mom? Despite my claim to be a liberal, a progressive person who encourages people to fulfill their potential and live their lives to the fullest, to never sell themselves short, am I doing just that? I am not unhappy in my life, quite the opposite, I find myself today, this instant, wrapped up in the warm and coziness of what I do. It occurs to me that I’ve probably never been happier. (Please lose your lunch to the right side of the vehicle…thank you.)
I do not want to change my life, what I’m doing, where I am. I’m just not 100% sure that its alright to be so content on keeping things just as they are. So I’ve decided to do something. Actually, I decided on this a long time ago and I’ve been puttering with it for some time, I’ve just made up my mind to share it with you. I’m writing a book. So there. I’ve actually said it out loud and I can’t take it back. Its become real. Because until I share it with you, dear internet, it just isn’t real.
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